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Malaysia 2013

What a start to the F1 season! If you thought 2012 was an exciting year you certainly had every reason to be expectant of a seriously enjoyable 2013's racing in Formula1. Unfortunately, the Australian Grand Prix didn't exactly live up to the expectation and personally I found it a little bit of a let down, although Kimi's win was brilliant to watch and certainly had a few people's eyes-a-poppin at the prospect of a Lotus taking the fight well and truly to the Red Bulls in 2013.

However, it looked and sounded as though McLaren had taken a huge leap backwards with their 2013 car, after showing so much promise last season, and Jensons downbeat mood didn't do much to raise the hopes of millions of F1 fans the world over when he suggested there wouldn't be any wins for the McLaren this season. Of course, we all hoped he was wrong, and having seen Jenson's epic win in the rain from last place at the Canadian GP in 2011 there was always the hope for a repeat, whatever he said.

The Australian Grand Prix a week ago was, to be honest, not one of the best of the past few years. The Ozzies certainly know how to put on a show, and they certainly didn't fall down in that respect, but unfortunately the ontrack action left a lot more to be desired. Qualifying was split over two days due to the wet weather, with the final sesson being held on the morning of the race, giving the drivers an unexpected chance to test out race day conditions.

Superb Sergio

The Malaysian Grand Prix of 2013, however, brought us all back to reality with a bang. Fantastic for the spectators and fans, but not so good for the drivers in some cases.

Sebastian Vettel once again showed how stupid and immature he can be by taking things into his own hands, totally ignoring team orders and overtaking Mark Webber in the closing stages of the race. Mark has been just about the perfect team-mate in the past to Vettel, yet once again the German driver thinks he knows better than the rest and goes off on one.

Team Principal Christian Horner was very coy about the subject later when he commented that "drivers would be drivers" but perhaps he should go and have a coffee with Stefano Domenicali and ask him how he would have handled such a situation. Perhaps Christian should have told Vettel "Webber. Is faster. Than you." -although that may only work on Brazilians. Massa, of course, would have probably finished higher than his eventual 5th place had he not been unable to see because he was crying with laughter.

Mark Webber mentioned in interview that Vettel would have the protection he normally gets and that might have sounded like sour grapes, until we saw the interview with Helmut Marko, Red Bull's advisor who has been very outspoken on the subject of Mark Webber in the past and is clearly not a fan of the Australian. Unlike Dietrich Mateschitz, who Mark has a very strong relationship with, Marko appeared to be somewhat surprised that anyone should even ask the question of his beloved Sebastian doing anything wrong. His opinion seemed to be that as they are racing drivers anything goes. Sorry Helmut, but just like the German driver you're defending, youre as wrong as a nun wearing a FCUK bodystocking sitting in Stringfellows and carrying a dog in a handbag.

Jenson Button's fifth place was completely ruined by the awful traffic light system that is supposed to be automatic (to prevent human failure) yet appears to be controlled by a human. Martin Whitmarsh said it was completely human error that caused the green light to go on for 120 milliseconds before it went off - but by then Jenson was off - with a loose wheel. It took a further 1m45s before he was ready to rejoin the race and by then he was 14th - and although he drove like a demon he could only make it up to 12th - sad result from what was an excellent drive with a car that is known to be not up to scratch.

Talking of cars that are not up to scratch, if there was one thing that I got sick of hearing last season it was how Fernando Alonso was such a driving God that he managed to bring the Ferrari home in the points even though it was a dog of a car. There's only so many times you can say a car is a dog and bring it home in incredible positions before somebody somewhere says hold on this can't be a dog because he's always finishing in the top ten and is fighting for the lead in the championship. Either it's a dog or it's not, but nobody is that good that they can make a cat sing soprano at the opera.


Fernando and I both cried, but mine were tears of laughter

However, my prayers were certainly answered in Malaysia when the cheating Spaniard didn't pit at the end of the first lap, (having damaged his front spoiler when he tagged the back of Vettel), and promptly went off at the end of the main straight when the spoiler came off and went under his car. I laughed so hard I almost had to go to the toilet. In fact I had to rewind the video and watch it again. And again. And again. I even opened a bottle of wine to celebrate and then watched it a few more times. Brilliant. I could have stopped the video then and there and just finished the bottle of wine. I even went on google to find the picture of Alonso's dejected face after Vettel beat him to the world championship last year, just to remind myself how unhappy he could be. It really is my picture of the year.

Poor Bairn

F1 2013 Alonso Unhappy

In other news, according to Wikipedia the chin is known anatomically as the mental region. Which is quite appropriate as the icing on my Sunday's cake came when the driver with a biggest chin in the world Jean Claude Van Maldonado binned it on lap 45 when he ran out of KERS. That did of course give Mercedes driver Lewis Hamilton a chance of finishing the race without having to come into the pits for an AK47 and set of urban camouflage in case Mental Maldo decided to take a suicidal lunge at the British driver again, (having been largely unsuccessful in Spa 2011 before wiping Lewis out at Valencia 2012). Lewis was so pleased to see Plonker Pastor out of the race he rushed back to the McLaren pit to tell all his old friends, before letting his own pit crew into the secret.

Nico Rosberg, of course, had to stop for a quick Burger King while Lewis was pitting so as not to get in trouble with the Boss, so he'd obviously not read the not-very-best-seller "How to Win Friends and Succeed" by Sebastian Vettel.

The Maldives have sand, Maldonado has gravel

Kimi didn't do himself any favours this weekend being a plonker by refusing to take off his sunglasses when interviewed and acting like a Prima Donna, and for all those who say let his driving do the talking, just ask yourself why Kimi doesnt have as many sponsors on his overalls as somebody like Jenson who can drive as well as Kimi but knows how to talk to the media. Maybe they should just wait until the Finn gets to the pub and then get some semi-naked girlies and vodkas out, I'm sure he'd open up a bit more then.

It was a shame to see both Force Indias out but it looked like they were having a complete nightmare of a day, and I suspect they just called both drivers in on the basis that too many things were going wrong in one race to be sure it was safe to continue. More power to the team, but a shame as both drivers have shown they have not only the pace but the proper mental attitude for the sport.

Mark showing off his Magnum

So, in conclusion, the Malaysian Grand Prix was the true start to the season, it all went off with a pretty big bang, and the Press are going to have a field day over the next three weeks and I personally hope they tear Vettel apart for being such a self centered, arrogant knob.

My interpretation: Webber was an honest gentleman, Lewis was humble and honest, Vettel was a shamefully spoilt brat.

Roll on China!

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